A new begining.

It's been forever since I've been here and blogged. So much has changed in our lives in the past seven months.
My mother passed away in September. It was unexpected and I've had issues dealing with it. Parts of me feel like I should have been able to help her, I should have been doing more to encourage her to take better care of herself. I was having nightmares about finding her the day she died and having anxiety knowing that I am left to deal with her final affairs. I sought out the help of a therapist and was put on some anti-depressants and anxiety medicine. In the conversations with the therapist it became apparent that my "mommy issues" are a lot more complex than I've let myself believe over the years. I thought that I had made peace with the way I was treated as a child, I thought I had let it go and grew from the experience, but in reality I was living as if I was seven years old again pining away for my mothers approval. This mindset allowed for me to get caught up in a relationship that demanded the same of me. When I came to this realization I decided to permanently separate from Man Child. As much of a good guy he is, I could no longer take the feeling that my actions were constantly the reason for his moods. It's kind of hard to explain without sounding like a bitch, but I just knew that I couldn't live that kind of life anymore. Between the constant arguing and me feeling like I was never doing anything right by my husband I was becoming miserable. No matter how much we tried to work things out, I felt like I was always compromising my happiness for his benefit and it was never reciprocated. That is not a reasonable way to live for anyone.
I am preparing to move out of this state and go back to where my family is. I want my babies to grow up with family, surrounded by people who love them. I want the park picnics, the holidays, the bbq's... The togetherness. I think I have been searching for that my whole life and I don't want my babies to miss out on that.
Speaking of babies... They are awesome. They are enrolled in daycare and thriving in that environment. Lee Lee loves school and is excited every morning to get out the door. Monkey is less enthusiastic, but he is doing well there too. He is currently potty training and doing quite well. Now that Man Child is not here the babies have settled nicely into a routine and are the happy, loving, joyful babies that they were the last time Man Child was not living with us. I honestly hate that their father is not around for them, but on the other hand I see how this separation has not in any way impacted them negatively and I know for sure that I made the right decision. Everyone in this house is in a happy place and that I all that I want for them, for me, for us.